Author: whenicometobeold

Reading in Old Age, Reading About Old Age

As you are aware, I like to read about old age – in poetry, novels, biography, memoir, history, and science.  This recently brought me to a fairly obscure book by Luis Sepulveda, The Old Man Who Read Love Stories.  Who could resist that title?  It is a slim volume and well worth your time.  The “old man” lives deep in the Amazon.  Old Antonio had minimal education as a boy, never reads, and can write only to sign his name.  But, upon being presented with some documents in relation to a forced voting registration, he realizes that he can understand them:

He could read!

It was the most important discovery of his whole life.  He could read.  He possessed the antidote to the deadly poison of old age.  He could read.

What a reminder that we have the gift of reading!

Antonio had “forgotten” he could read, so when he rediscovers this gift, he has no idea what to read and, with the assistance of a local schoolteacher, tries everything. He decides that history books were just a “string of lies” and that tragic stories made him suffer. (There was enough misery in his life already.)  So, living deep in the Amazon – in the forest and on the shore of the river – Antonio buries himself in tales of lust and love and happy endings.  This is also a novel about the environment and the rape of the land, about the criminals who “whored on his [Antonio’s] virgin Amazonia.”  The old man is outraged at mankind, its governments, and its ignorance.  He fights as long as he can, and finally escapes to his reading:

…he set off in the direction of El Idilio, his hut, and his novels that spoke of love in such beautiful words they sometimes made him forget the barbarity of man.

I, too, would like to forget “the barbarity of man,” but the news keeps reminding me.

Young people are purported to have largely lost the skill of immersive reading, of attention, of transference.  How my young self used to love to hide in my room and get lost in Little Women or The Five Little Peppers and How They Grew. It was a respite from the nagging of my parents, the perceived disdain of my peers, the boredom in the days when instant distraction was not available.  Except in a book.  As an old lady, reading is still my greatest pleasure.

In Carolyn Heilbrun’s The Last Gift of Time – Life Beyond Sixty¸ there is an entire chapter on reading, entitled “Unmet Friends” – unmet friends being those people and characters we know through books and not in person.  Heilbrun extols this gift of the written word.  She does, however, doubt that one can develop the skill of reading late in life if one hasn’t been reading right along:

Reading – like those more frivolous lifelong pursuits, singing in tune, or driving, or roller-blading – is either an early acquired passion or not:  there is no in-between about it, no catching up in one’s later years.

Heilbrun has a point and makes me glad that I have been a lifelong reader of eclectic taste and interest.  However, I do not think that she is entirely correct.  It is true that “new” recreational readers may not be able to start with Dostoevsky, but they can certainly start with murder mysteries or love stories.  And they might find their way to Anna Karenina.   At least I hope so.

In my old age, I’ve developed a bunker mentality about books.  I am deathly afraid of being stranded somewhere with nothing to read.  I fondly remember reading an autobiographical piece by the philosophical longshoreman Eric Hoffer, who lost his sight for seven years while he was young and vowed to read everything he could once he could see.  And so he did.  He used to take the thickest book he could find when he went on a train, and once read all of Montaigne’s essays in this way while stranded in a snowstorm.

I have the luxury of having a Kindle to take on trips, and always have my phone to read on if I get desperate in unexpected situations.  I also always have at least twice the number of books out of the library than I can possibly read.  In my new (old) abode, I can walk to the library – a great incentive to keep up with my exercise. But even having to lug a heavy bag to and fro has not dampened my need to have a full array of unread books under the bed!

I struggle with how much to challenge myself with my reading.  I am a lover of murder mysteries, and have discovered that mysteries read over twenty years ago are new again!  Such a joy to re-read Christie, Tey, Marsh, and Allington!  But, I do realize that if I do not challenge myself a little, I will lose the ability to read complex books with complex sentences.  There has been much research showing that increased computer time has decreased our ability to follow more profound texts, and more profound texts are what nurture my soul (while mysteries put it to sleep – sometimes also a desired outcome).  So, I almost always have three books going – one mystery, one literary novel (old or new), and one work of non-fiction.  Although the mysteries are only one third of that array, I go through them quicker and surely read more.  Strangely, in these dark days, they help.  While mysteries are full of the “barbarities of man,” those barbarities are acknowledged as barbarities.  They are usually exposed and punished.  I have my fantasies.

Lastly, I am currently reading a book about how old women have written about themselves: The Lioness in Winter: Writing an Old Woman’s Life by Ann Burack-Weiss.  It contains selections from female authors who wrote memoirs well into later life.  Besides enjoying the excerpts and commentary, it is helping me compile a list for further reading, which I will share at some point. Meanwhile I recommend the book, which has much to say on the reading and writing of old people.

If you want to visit one of my stories about reading, you might try “By the Book.”  And one last word of advice about the Sepulveda book: don’t read the second dedication until after you finish the book. Then read it and weep.  Our poor planet.

 

Build Your Own World, Create Your Own Day, Construct Your Own Life

When I was young, I thought I would have figured things out by the time I was old.  (Old then being about 50.)  Yet I seem to be fighting many of the same battles with myself that I have been fighting for seven decades.  I know I don’t need another book to tell me how to fulfill my purpose, stop procrastinating, live according to my values and priorities.  I have read a slew of those books and know what it is that I am supposed to do.  That is not the problem.  Actually doing what I know is the best thing is the problem.

Moving closer to my teenage grandchildren and hearing them interact with their parents has been somewhat enlightening in this regard.  The conversation goes like this.  Parent: “Do you think eating all that candy (or staying up late playing video games or spending your allowance on silly things) is a good choice?”  Child: “I know, I know – but I really wanted…” You get the picture.  Many days this same conversation is going on in my head, but both characters are… me.  I know what the good choices are, but as Saint Paul laments in Romans 7:19, “For the good that I would, I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do”.  Or as Ado Annie says in Oklahoma, “I’m just a girl who can’t say no.”

I have won the battle in some cases.  I keep a serious journal and have an exercise routine of sorts.  I take my vitamins and see my dentists and doctors as required.  I make my bed and remember birthdays and get a blog posted a couple of times a month, yet my life is overshadowed by the things I want to do and do not do.

Friends have told me just to climb out from under the guilt.  Retired people don’t really need to do anything, do they?  And yet this is not an answer for me.  I want to end every waking day by being satisfied by what I have accomplished, but I also am looking more closely (than I would like) at the end of my life.  The big deadline looms.

Three pieces of advice have helped me lately, and I am glad to pass them along.  Two are quotes from the Transcendentalists, first from Emerson in “Nature:” “Every spirit builds itself a house; and beyond its house, a world; and beyond its world a heaven. Know then, that the world exists for you: build, therefore, your own world.”  Birds single-mindedly build their nests; we should do the same.  In old age, our nests are for nurturing ourselves and not our babies, they are for cradling us to the end.  No better reason for building your own world.

If Emerson seems to call for too much, Thoreau parses it into to smaller chunks for us to consider.  In Walden, he tries to whittle his life down to the marrow; he trims his expectations to the day in front of him.  “To affect the quality of the day, that is the highest of arts.”  Make this day a good one – and our days will add up to a life, a world.   Thoreau’s gentle exhortation has gotten me through some rough patches.

Lastly, I have been reading a wonderful novel, This is Happiness, by Niall Williams.  The book was recommended in a recent NYTimes piece by Ann Patchett and is narrated by a very old man who is recalling the coming of electricity to his Irish village.  Read it to find out if the residents are happier before or after technology catches up with them!  In any case, the seventy-eight-year-old man reflects on this very subject:

Not that you ever quite know what that is [the better version of ourselves], still there he is, that better man, who remains always just ahead of you.  I write this now. Having come to realise it’s a lifelong pursuit, that once begun will not end this side of the graveyard.  With this I have made an old man’s accommodation and am reconciled to the fruits of a fruitless endeavour.

And what are the fruits of this fruitless endeavour?  Perhaps that we affected the quality of our days with Thoreau and built our own (yet imperfect) world with Emerson.  I am happy to make an old lady’s accommodation with these truths.

What Abides (Into Old Age)?

What makes the 73-year-old me that I see in the mirror, that I identify as “me,” the same as the four-year-old in the picture on my desk?  No one would recognize me in the four-year-old.  Even I have trouble identifying what remains of her.  As we age, “what abides?” is a question worth pondering.  People try to answer it in different ways – some look up old friends, some write memoirs.  We all dread the loss of what we think of as our “selves;” I watched my mother turn into a different person in her late eighties, and yet she retained many early memories.  In fact, she seemed to live in her earliest memories.  What of her self was lost, and what remained?

These questions made me think of that old word: abide.  In old age, what abides?  What stays and makes us us until the very end?  Or is the concept of a constant being just fallacious?  In “Ulysses,” Tennyson posits that “much abides” in old age – that while the body fades and weakens, the will is strong:

Tho’ much is taken, much abides; and tho’
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are;
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.

Tennyson wrote “Ulysses” when he was a young man; I would posit that the admonition “not to yield” would not be the advice of an old man.

On the other hand, Thomas Hardy was around sixty when he addressed “abiding” into old age in “I Look Into My Glass:”

But Time, to make me grieve.
Part steals, lets part abide;
And shakes this fragile frame at eve
With throbbings of noontide.

While Tennyson wants to concentrate on the value of what abides, Hardy finds it a form of torture, as his spirit wants to do what his body cannot do.  And then there is Robert Graves and his poem about looking in the mirror, written when he was about 72:

I pause with razor poised, scowling derision
At the mirrored man whose beard needs my attention,
And once more ask him why
He still stands ready, with a boy’s presumption,
To court the queen in her high silk pavilion.

For Graves, what abides is “presumption.”  And more specifically, “a boy’s presumption.”

In its intransitive form (as used by Tennyson and Hardy above), abide means “to remain stable or fixed in a state;” this is the same as the meaning it takes in the great hymn, “Abide with Me.”  The tale is that the author of the hymn wrote it at the deathbed of a friend, a friend who asked him to abide with him until the end.  The Biblical reference is Luke 24:29. The disciples (after they had met the risen Christ) plead with Jesus: “Abide with us: for it is toward evening, and the day is far spent.”  This is from the lovely King James Version; I would note that some later versions use the word stay rather than abide.   I prefer abide, which is related to the word “abode.”

This is an old problem.  The ancient Greeks pondered the problem of the Ship of Theseus.  As told by Plutarch in the first century, Theseus’s original ship was used for a ceremony commemorating his defeat of the Minotaur; over the centuries, almost every part of the ship had to be replaced, as it rotted and rusted.  A thousand years later, was it still really the Ship of Theseus?  Sixty-nine years later am I still my four-year-old self?

So, the question still is: What abides?  What abides when we walk with a limp, when we can’t remember the librarian’s name or where we put the library book?  What abides that can reassure us of who we are?  Tennyson would leave us with the impetuosity of youth; Hardy would have us the prisoner of passions we can’t act on; Graves chides us for presumption.  I firmly believe that something of value abides, and I spend a bit of time trying to winnow out the chaff to find it.

The Threat of Singularity and the Promise of Perennial Philosophy

As I have aged. the pace of technology has surely surpassed my interest in “keeping up.”  I have been intrigued, however, by the notion of the singularity, which is defined in many ways, but often as “a hypothetical point in time when technological growth becomes uncontrollable and irreversible.” Technology already feels “uncontrollable.”  It forces me to deal with chatbots and answer yes/no questions.  It fights to supplant me.   Even as I write this. Microsoft is pestering me to let its AI “Copilot” help me; it wants to co-opt my place at the keyboard, convinced (and trying to convince me) that it can do whatever it is better than I can.  What AI fails to recognize that it is the doing that matters, not a uniformly “perfect” product.

As I was thinking about this, I was strangely reminded of Aldous Huxley and his “perennial philosophy,” which represents a different kind of quest for doing things in the best way, for improving ourselves, or – more specifically – for living life well.  Seekers for the perennial philosophy pursued ageless universal truths, laws, dharmas, which might enable mankind, individually and communally, to reach their utmost potential.  There was no place in this philosophy for technology or even much science.  It had more to do with getting to know the nature of the kind of beasts we are, the kind of world we live in, and how the two interrelate.  “Know thyself,” said Socrates. 

Huxley’s book was a bestseller in 1945, as shocked and tired people were emerging from the nightmare of WWII.  Reviews were good, with the New York Times noting: “Perhaps Mr. Huxley, in The Perennial Philosophy has, at this time, written the most needed book in the world.”  Perhaps, after Hiroshima and the gas chambers, no one was looking to technology to solve our problems.  In the last 70 years things have changed; we have become beguiled by technology.  As Wordsworth predicted, “Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers, / Little we see in Nature that is ours; We have given our hearts away, a sordid boon!”  Indeed.  Our hearts, our minds, and maybe our souls.  We are apparently far more interested in knowing what machines can do for us than knowing ourselves.  Why? It’s easier.

The machines enticed us, seduced us, slowly. Old folks are very much aware of this. When I was a child, technology (in the guise of Western Auto) gave us a big TV with a tiny screen and one to three channels.  It stood in the heart of the house, and we watched it together.  Step by step, it led us to the internet and streaming, and now watching anything is seldom a communal experience.  In my youth, technology gave us one telephone in the center of the house, so that communications were communal (hard on teen-age girls). Now cell phones are stopping any sort of real face-to-face communication.  The internet has made information easier to find, but harder to verify; common wisdom is no longer looked for or found. No wonder they call it the singularity; in wisdom, as in most things these days, we are “bowling alone.”

I think that Huxley’s perennial philosophy is probably the opposite of singularity; it assumes that the answers lie in the truths of the past and not the unknowns of the future, that we can both formulate the questions and find the answers without mechanical help.  The singularity assumes that machines will find the answers, machines which will soon be smarter than us, and that is a scary thought – unless you think that we will always be in control.  Have we ever been in control?  Did we consciously end up with children in their bedrooms sending pictures to strangers and old folks entranced by online “friends” who are trying to scam them?

Literature has long worried over the ascendency of technology.  RUR (Rossum’s Universal Robots) was written by Karel Capek in 1920.  The play warned us not to turn our back on a robot.  Arthur Clark wrote the novel and screenplay for 2001 A Space Odyssey in 1968, based on stories he started in 1948.  HAL (Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic computer) was definitely the enemy by the end.  Technology was much cruder in those days, but people were already concerned. As creatures being slowly ingested by technology, we seem to be less worried now than we were then.  It would seem that HAL has made us fat and happy.  And what is the alternative?  A recent bill putting limits on AI development in California was vetoed by the governor after Silicon Valley got incensed.  There is no hope for such legislation on the federal level. 

The perennial philosophy was defined by Aldous Huxley and others as “a school of thought in philosophy and spirituality which posits that the recurrence of common themes across world religions illuminates universal truths about the nature of reality, humanity, ethics, and consciousness.”  In other words, a search for a commonality in proven human thought, faith, and ethics which could give us clues on the way to live better individually or communally.  But no one thought we could outsource that search, or google it, or that the answer would be a complex algorithm.

Computers are yes/no machines.  In the words of E. F. Schumacher, the real questions of life are divergent rather than convergent problems. Designing a diesel engine is a convergent problem; scientists can work on it and eventually arrive at an answer. AI could do this. How to use such an engine for the benefit of society (i.e., transportation of goods vs. preservation of the environment) is a divergent problem.  Adolescents often think all problems are convergent and often think they know the solutions.  Most old people know that the important questions are divergent and can (and should) be grappled with, but cannot be “solved.” Schumacher reminds us that, again, it is the doing that matters: “Divergent problems, as it were, force us to strain ourselves to a level above ourselves.” 

I appreciate the good that technology has done for us – many of us, including myself, would not still be here without advances in medicine, education, transportation.  But let’s not give away our hearts (“a sordid boon”) – or our lives.  Science may have given us increased longevity, but, as Mary Oliver asks, “What is it you plan to do / with your one wild and precious life?”  Show me the answer to that question in an algorithm.

Bare Ruin’d Choirs – Seasons and Similes of Old Age

I have been intending to write a blog about the notion of “singularity,” but my readings on the subject seem to go on and on, so I thought I would just look around me and write about the season and the seasons of life.

This is my first autumn back in New England after almost a decade.  We moved from western North Carolina two months ago (just in time, I guess).  Autumn was longer but less colorful North Carolina; there were the brilliant yellows but not the mellow golds and reds.  Fall has always been my favorite season, and I am looking forward to the colors, the smells, and the urgency of buttoning up the house (nesting) before winter arrives.

If autumn is my favorite season, October has always been my favorite month.  For years (until the printing wore off), I used a coffee cup inscribed with Thoreau’s quote about October. Here it is, to remind us to imbibe some of the magic Henry found in October:

October is the month of painted leaves. Their rich glow now flashes round the world. As fruits and leaves and the day itself acquire a bright tint just before they fall, so the year near its setting. October is its sunset sky; November the later twilight.

Back to our earliest records, poets used the seasons of the year as similes for the seasons of life.  We still do it all the time, talking about a “December bride” or someone being “in the autumn of his years.”  These are apt similes, much like that of the Baby New Year and Old Father Time.  We grow and blossom, reap the karma of our earlier life, and close in ourselves with the narrowing of the light at the end of the year.  One significant difference, of course, is that our lives are linear, while nature recycles upon itself. (Or, as Dante contends, the life span is a parabola! See further discussion of that possibility here.) Perhaps the problem is how we look at it; if we could accept that we are part of nature perhaps we would see it differently.

Cicero, in his “On Old Age,” uses many images of old age that relate senescence to the cycles of nature.  Thus we have age as the “tranquil evening” of the life’s day, as the “autumn” or “winter” of the life’s year, as the ripening, maturing, even withering fruit of the tree of life:

There had to be a time of withering, of readiness to fall, like the ripeness that comes to the fruits of the trees and of the earth.  But a wise man will face this prospect with resignation, for resistance against nature is as pointless as the battles of the giants against the gods.

Clearly, the giants of Silicon Vally do not agree that “resistance against nature” is pointless, but more on them in my next blog.

Shakespeare starts his masterful Sonnet 73 about old age with these lines:

That time of year thou mayst in me behold

When yellow leaves, or none, or few, do hang

Upon those boughs which shake against the cold,

Bare ruin’d choirs, where late the sweet birds sang.

Latter day poets use the images of the seasons all the time to connote the ages of man; when Philip Larkin wrote his comic masterpiece about growing older, he titled it “The Winter Palace,” and ended with the image of a last December snowstorm:

Then there will be nothing I know.

My mind will fold into itself, like fields, like snow.

For more examples, revisit Chesterton’s “Gold Leaves,” or Rilke’s “Autumn.” To find more correlations between the seasons and the stages of life, just look at my (incomplete) list of poems about old age.  And please send me any of your favorite poems to add to the list. Or write one.

But, back to me and to the month of October.  I used to think I was in the October of life, but that is foolish at this point.  If I were a maple tree, my leaves would have long since been raked up and hauled away.  I am more “bare ruin’d choirs” than the rich golds and yellows of this lustrous October.  I am surely in November, and probably most of the way to Thanksgiving.  The “later twilight” of life.  Robert Frost said that sorrow was his “November Guest,” but yet appreciated the season:

Not yesterday I learned to know
The love of bare November days
Before the coming of the snow…

Yet, I can still enjoy the present October while looking over my shoulder to catch a glimpse of past Octobers, Septembers, Mays.  And forward to the dark and quiet evenings of December.

Old Men, Old Authors, Phantom Limbs, and Dying Wishes

I like books about old characters, and I especially like it if the authors are also old.  I guess I want to compare notes about how aging feels, what it means.  Recently I read a book by an old man about an old man (Paul Auster’s Baumgartner), a book about an old man written by a middle-aged woman (Go, Went, Gone by Jenny Erpenbeck), and a book by a very old and great writer which should never have been published.

Erpenbeck was middle-aged (40s) when this book was released, but she writes about a recently retired Princeton classics professor (Richard) who is feeling his age and his loneliness.  There are wonderful descriptions about the challenge of what it means to be “old,” like these thoughts about what an old man should wear:

Maybe a cardigan is more appropriate to his new condition. More comfortable, at any rate. And seeing that he no longer goes out in human society on a daily basis, it’s surely no longer necessary for him to shave every single morning. Let grow what will. Just stop putting up resistance — or is that how dying begins? Could dying begin with this kind of growth? No, that can’t be right, he thinks.

Richard is somewhat lost in his old age and retirement, but his chance interaction with some Libyan immigrants ends up turning his life in a new direction.  And, incredibly, he finds parallels between the immigrant experience of wandering from one country to another (hoping for acceptance and work) and with the journey of Odysseus in The Odyssey.  Richard also finds that the oral history/story traditions of his new friends make him think of the way that Homeric epics evolved over the centuries.  And he thinks about what it means to be human but to be thought of as less than human – something experienced by the immigrants but also, at times, by the elderly.

(Spoilers coming!) Erpenbeck’s book ends with a party including Richard, and his academic and immigrant friends – and everyone seems to be having a fine time.  Richard gets into a deep conversation with the immigrants about an incident in which he talked his wife into an abortion that ended rather disastrously.

Why were you ashamed of your wife? asks Ali.

That she might die, says Richard.  Yes, he says, at that moment I hated her because she might die.

I can understand that, says Detlef.

I think that’s when I realized, says Richard, that the things I can endure are only just the surface of what I can’t possibly endure.

Like the surface of the sea? asks Ali.

Actually, yes, exactly like the surface of the sea.

Richard might be facing old age and death and things that “can’t be endured,” but he has learned something.  Like Odysseus, he made it home to Ithaca only to find that even homecomings are difficult, and the answer is not about slipping into an old life but forging a new one with the full recognition of the horrors that are under the sea.

Auster’s Sy Baumgartner is also trying to work out what an old life means, what he can make of it.  Baumgartner monitors himself for signs of aging.  For example, he counts the number of times that he realizes he has not fully zipped up his pants, “four times in the last two weeks!” and uses that as a measure of his decline.  He considers marrying again, but the woman turns him down.  He invites a young scholar to work on his late wife’s poetry and papers, but by the end of the book, she has not arrived.  And so it goes.

One of the most interesting metaphors in Auster’s book is that of the phantom limb, that thing that – although gone – can still cause us pain. Set to thinking about this phenomenon when his housekeeper’s husband saws off two fingers, Baumgartner considers writing a book about how things that do not even exist anymore can cause us such angst.  We all know this is so, but can’t really absorb the implications.  I had a therapist tell me once that guilt and regret are two of the most worthless emotions.  This might be true, but that knowledge did not make the regret and guilt go away. (One might think of that golden couplet of Edna St. Vincent Millay: “Pity me that the heart is slow to learn/ What the swift mind beholds at every turn.”)

These things are worth thinking about and the phantom limb metaphor helps.  Unfortunately, Baumgartner never finishes his book, nor his train of thought.

Auster’s book ends with a confused Sy Baumgartner, who, after having gotten lost on a ride to get some liquor, swerves to miss a deer and then takes his bleeding body on foot down the road to look for help.  The book ends with this ambiguous statement: “And so, with the wind in his face and blood still trickling from the wound in his forehead, our hero goes off in search of help, and when he comes to the first house and knocks on the door, the final chapter in the saga of S.T. Baumgartner begins.”  Not much to look forward to here.  This is an Odysseus who probably isn’t going to make it home.

The two books above I recommend to any serious reader.  I also recently read Garcia Marquez’s Until August – not really a book about old age, but a book that was written when the author was in his late seventies and revised in his eighties, and which he asked his heirs not to publish.   In his later life, when dementia prevented Garcia from “following the plot,” he abandoned the text and prohibited its issuance.  The great author died in 2014, but this year (2024) his heirs decided to subvert his wishes and publish the unfinished manuscript.  Such a shame.  Garcia has given us many wonderful portraits of the elderly – if you haven’t read Love in the Time of Cholera, do it soon! – but there was no need for the publication of a rough draft that this Nobel laureate left behind with instructions that it be destroyed.  In the end, reading the slim book made me uncomfortable, and it certainly will do little to further Marquez’s wonderful reputation and standing.

This action of Marquez’s executors evokes the whole issue of what we owe the dead – if the dying leave specific requests, should their wishes be sacrosanct?  What if they had dementia?  What if they were a public figure or a literary treasure???  I know, I know.  We might know little of Kafka if Max Bord had not ignored his dying wishes to have all destroyed.  We all face this problem at one time or another.  I keep thinking about the decades of journals in my closet; I could leave instructions that they be taken out with my body to be cremated, but maybe I’d better do it myself.  I’d like to hang onto them as long as possible though, so the timing is tricky!  My guess is that all of our closets are full of such things.

This Old House

In trying to find a house in the right location in a tight market, my husband and I ended up buying an old house – one that is close in age to ourselves, a 1950’s house with a lot of character and a lot of problems.  It was not the wisest of decisions, but we have always made our housing decisions with our heart and not our brains, and, in the past, we have been able to make things work.  This time, however, we are old and tired, and I am not so sure.  The house has charm, but it is the charm of an old flirt in a wheelchair.

This is not the oldest house we have owned; that prize goes to a beauty we bought in 1999, which had been given to the couple we bought it from as a wedding present from her father.  It was immaculately kept up – not modernized, just kept up.  It had the original cherry kitchen cabinets with a built-in flour sifter.  That house was like people who take care of themselves their whole lives, and do not succumb to either bad habits or cosmetic surgery.  The old house we are in now was not kept up, and all too often, modern “updates” were grafted onto deeper problems.  It has gracious bones but needs both detox and some reconstructive surgery.

Obsolete appliances and rotting wood have got me thinking about the analogies between old houses and old people – a very popular analogy.  I recently ran into this by Frederick Buechner (from Whistling in the Dark):

Old age is not, as the saying goes, for sissies.  There are some lucky ones who little by little slow down to be sure, but otherwise go on to the end pretty much as usual. For the majority, however, it’s like living in a house that’s in increasing need of repairs. The plumbing doesn’t work right anymore.  There are bats in the attic.  Cracked and dusty, the windows are hard to see through, and there’s a lot of creaking and groaning in bad weather.  The exterior could use a coat of paint. And so on.

Buechner’s analogy, of course, reminded me of the old revival song, “This Old House,” by Stuart Hamblen, written about the time that my house was built:

Ain’t a-gonna need this house no longer, ain’t a-gonna need this house no more.

Ain’t got time to fix the shingles, ain’t got time to fix the floor.

Ain’t got time to oil the hinges or to mend the window pane,

Ain’t a-gonna need this house no longer I’m getting ready to meet the saints.

Rosemary Clooney had the first hit with the song, but everyone from Bing Crosby to Willie Nelson has recorded it.  It was supposedly inspired when Hamblen, while out on a hunting expedition with John Wayne (who else would you go hunting with in the Sierras?), came across a broken-down house where an old dog was guarding his dead master.  Believe that if you want.  The song has a catchy tune and great rhythm, but I think the song mostly resonates because it tells a great truth.  Hamblen reminds us that as the body deteriorates, we are getting closer and closer to not needing it anymore, and that is just how life is – so we might as well sing about it.

I need my body now, however, and partly I need it to make this house livable.  I need it to build a new life one more time.  But I also need to stop hearing my husband moan as he unearths (literally) some new problem.  (Though he denies it, the man is a saint.)

So, we try to cope with this old house in our old age.  Probably a mistake.  Surely feels like a mistake many days.  But maybe the process has some redeeming lessons about accepting what old is.  You can paint it, prop it up, make it over, but it is still an old house.  In the end, one can only enjoy its charms, but that is only possible if you can contain the angst and come to a kind of peace about aging, senescence.  In the Prologue to his Rule, the great St. Benedict tells us that if we grow old it is by way of a truce with God, so that we may have time to “amend our misdeeds” and “to safeguard love.” (See my earlier post, “The Truce of Saint Benedict and Rules of the Road.”) A truce, not a war.  We will fix the house the house as we are able and as we try to “safeguard love.”  We will try to remember that we are fortunate – to grow old, to have a roof, to be busy with meaningful chores.  And we came here to be near family, and there are no regrets in that regard.  As I look at our teenage grandchildren, I wonder how they see us.  And then I think of this old house again.  I hope they think that we have some charm.

 

 

Analogue Aging in a Digital World

Moving requires vast amounts of bureaucratic interaction – something to be avoided in the best of times, and my age keeps reminding me that this is perhaps not the best of times for such activities.  I can testify to the fact that getting anything done – from making a medical appointment to changing addresses – is harder than it used to be.  It is almost impossible to get a live person on the telephone; the days of hitting 0 for help are gone.  And if your needs or problems require anything but a “yes or no” answer, you are out of luck.  We have moved completely from an analogue to a digital world.  And now we are moving to AI, which is predicated on the on/off, yes/no assumptions of a digital world.

Before we talk about AI, think about the differences between an analogue and digital world.  Think about analogue as a wave, keeping all its nuances; digital is a series of pictures on that wave taking snapshots of what is happening so that you end up with a series of on and off points, or 0110110101.   Computers (and therefore AI) want everything to be digital.  They do not want to hear your story about why you need to have special bloodwork done before you see a doctor or why you can’t wait fourteen months to see a dermatologist.  They don’t want to know that you have already been on hold for an hour, only to find out you are in the wrong department and maybe need more help than just being returned to the main menu.  Life is not a multiple-choice test; there is no way to so neatly describe my needs and problems.  I wish there were, but I am old enough to know that life is never such.

Yet, we are being forced to deal with things as though it were.  Here is a minor example.  AAA (American Automobile Association) is divided into regions, each with its own administrative offices and billing (as far as I can tell).  I moved from one region to another.  After hours on the phone with no button to push for the exact action that I wanted to take, I finally scored with a live being.  She took all the information and said I would be getting a confirming email with a temporary card I could print out.  Much thanks on my part, only to find out that the email never came, and the Massachusetts AAA’s digital portal never heard of me.  I finally decided it would be easier to let my original membership expire and start from scratch.  That’s fine for AAA, but not for doctors, dentists, pharmacies and the entire structure that supports my old bones.  There is no starting from scratch as my prescriptions are running out, my bones are due for their semi-annual injection, and there is a funny spot on my ankle.  Digital systems do not want to know these things.  It is even true of travel; we still use old-fashioned paper maps that show you the whole region – towns, lakes, context.  GPS just wants to give you directions, one digital step at a time.

I suspect that the mechanisms which are being implemented facilitate the full expansion of AI.  The database must be prepared.  We must all be numerically defined and labeled; our problems must fit within a set of algorithms and an array of specific multiple choices.  The answers must be exact and quantifiable.  Old age is not like that.  Life is not like that.  And, if AI is incompatible with life, I know which one is winning.

So much for an old lady whining about the problems of moving.  I am getting through it, but it is teaching me lessons.  I was used to my old shower and kitchen and route to the grocery store.  I am learning new ways, but I am doing it in an analogue way.  Although I do not use GPS, I am even learning new routes, even shortcuts, and starting to remember names (of streets and people).  It is a gradual and imprecise process.  It is up and down – wave-like.  Definitely analogue.

I admit that some things adapt to being digital – date of birth (but not how old you feel), Medicare number (but not how your body is feeling), phone number (but not the explanation of how your husband does not use text so please leave a voice message instead), and so it goes.  We all might like our lives to be tidily swept up into categories, but it is not so.

And while I am at it, let me complain a little about the health care systems (or lack of such) in this country.  One realizes it while trying to transfer medical records – some offices will only take fax transmissions (really), while other offices will only send digital files (really).  No matter how many consent forms you submit to get files sent, the form will be lost.  Apparently, there is no slot in the digital program for them.  So, you will sign more forms.  Pharmacies will transfer some prescriptions, but not all.   A major healthcare system in our new area has no slots with primary care doctors, and other medical offices are booking into the new year.  I am not helpless; But it is hard.

Elizabeth Bishop wrote a delicious and ironic poem called “One Art.”  In many ways it is about aging; here are a couple of stanzas:

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster                                                                 of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.                                                                        The art of losing isn’t hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:                                                                places, and names, and where it was you meant                                                             to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

All of us know about this kind of losing.  We lose things, we forget things, things change.  Moving is loss.  I will persevere.  New systems will digitize me, schedule my lab tests, order my pills and AAA card – eventually.  But, in the meantime, it feels like a disaster, and I do not think that the predicted danger of AI is far away.  We are already being manipulated by machines that give us no choice.  And every time we maneuver through phone trees looking for the right digital responses, we lose something.  We lose the space between the analogue waves of our existence, we lose the subtle differences in our lives, we lose our ability to communicate with other human beings, and I resent it.  And we old folks remember when it was otherwise.

Retirement, Death, and The Land of Cockaigne

Younger people dream of retirement – of that rosy day when they have reached the right age for social security or pension payments.  Or banked enough money in retirement accounts to cover their living expenses for the rest of their days.  Middle-agers discuss retirement with others in the office; they fantasize about where they will live and where they will travel; they try to imagine not having to wake up to an alarm every morning or having to turn out the light earlier than they would like.  I had such fantasies, but that was many, many years ago.  Now, I can’t imagine how I ever worked nine- or ten-hour days, put up with the constant aggravation of an office, or made a commute in rush hour traffic.  I don’t miss it, never missed it much.

Here is what I sometimes miss though – the hope for an event which is going to make life easier.  I sabotaged this wish lately by moving to be closer to family and taking on the logistics of a move (will I ever be able to get through the red tape at the DMV or find a primary care doctor?).  In the middle of the move, one of the family members that I was moving to be close to unexpectedly passed away.  He died while the movers were emptying my house in North Carolina, and his funeral was the day the movers arrived with our stuff in New England. 

And then there are the minor losses – routines, habits, a sense of where things are.  Finding further problems with an already imperfect new/old house.  Major and minor problems and aggravations are constant.   Locating a cooking utensil is suddenly a big deal.  Bills have to be carefully monitored during the address change so that payments are not missed.  New telephone numbers and wireless passwords must be noted and memorized.  The view out the windows has changed.  Being close to family means being physically and blessedly closer to their lives – which unfortunately also include their problems.

So, if we can no longer look forward to retirement, what does the elderly one look forward to?  Assisted living, the nursing home?  We decided when we moved that we were not ready for communal living of any kind, and – while it may be necessary someday – it is far from our ideal.  It is not something to hope for.

In medieval Europe, there was the peasant concept of Cockaigne, or pais de cocaigne, which translates to “the land of plenty.”  It was pictured as a kind of heaven with enough to eat, time to rest, the abolition of work, and – of course – free sex.  It was something for poor men and women to dream about, a heaven more to their taste than the Christian one.  As I was going through the trials of the last few weeks, I wondered what my equivalent was.  If I believe in any kind of afterlife, it surely is not the “pie in the sky when you die” sort.  And, yet, I found in the midst of seemingly irresolvable problems, that I was reminding myself over and over again, that I would soon find myself (or more accurately others would find me) dead and all my worries would go with me to the crematorium.  So, is this what old people look forward to – leaving their problems and their bodies (which often are one source of their problems) behind them?  Interesting thought.

Death as something to look forward to?  An alien concept in our culture but not without its believers.  The wonderful poet Stevie Smith wrote “I have a friend/At the end/Of the world.  /His name is a breath/Of fresh air.”  His name, of course, is death.  The poem is “Black March.”

I do not wish myself dead.  I just wish to get settled in and live a more routine existence.  But Jorge Borges found some comfort in imagining his own death – he even wrote a story about it, “August 25, 1983“, in which Borges conjures up an older version of himself on his deathbed.  I once made an exercise of doing the same for myself (see my blog entry “Fantasies to Reject in Old Age” from last May).  It was informative and scary.

I will get used to my new location.  I will unpack my ladle and find a dermatologist and get a new driver’s license.  But none of that happens quickly and all of it is harder than it used to be.  But there is really no alternative, no Cockaigne, without going through it.  I try to tell myself that it is useful to challenge myself in my old age, but it is not easy.  It is worse than I thought it would be; I hope that, when I come to it, I will be able to say the opposite about death.  At least that transition will not require a trip to the DMV.

One More Adventure – Robinson Crusoe, Gulliver, Odysseus, and Me

Daniel Defoe published the first volume of Robinson Crusoe at 59, close to the age of his hero when he finally returns from his island.  When Crusoe rejoins the civilized world, he is 61, and has spent 35 years marooned.  Neither Defoe nor Crusoe was through though; Defoe took the story into Crusoe’s old age in The Farther (sometimes printed Further) Adventures of Robinson Crusoe, and subtitled: Being the Second and Last Part of His Life, And of the Strange Surprising Accounts of his Travels Round Three Parts of the Globe. 

Crusoe came home with the intention of settling down; he gets married and has children, but he finds it hard to be stable, to stay put.  The Farther Adventures starts with Crusoe’s acknowledgement that “That homely proverb, used on so many occasions in England, viz. ‘That what is bred in the bone will not go out of the flesh,’ was never more verified than in the story of my Life.”  He wants to roam some more, he wants to go back to his island, he wants to see new places.  Fortunately (for him) his wife dies and releases him for more adventures. And he has them.  Finally, at the end of the second volume, he is 72 and says he is ready to settle down:

And here, resolving to harass myself no more, I am preparing for a longer journey than all these, having lived 72 years a life of infinite variety, and learnt sufficiently to know the value of retirement, and the blessing of ending our days in peace.

We don’t believe him.

Defoe himself lived to be about 70, but published a variety of fiction and non-fiction books all through his 60s. Novels like Moll Flanders follow characters into their old age, but Defoe also wrote pamphlets and tracts about the treatment of the elderly; he outlines a system of old age and disability pensions and caretaking facilities (which don’t sound like pleasant places).  However, the interesting thing is that age alone is not a criterion for needing help – one must be old and disabled.  Defoe frames his project as a benefit for those that are “Lame, Aged, Bedrid, or by real Infirmity of the Body (the Pox excepted) are unable to Work;” nowhere is a given age sufficient proof of “inability to work.”

Robinson Crusoe is not disabled, but – at the end of the second set of adventures – he is looking for “the blessings of ending our days in peace.”

Just after Defoe wrote Crusoe, Jonathan Swift published his work about an older man who went on extensive travels and also had a hard time adjusting to home life.  Like Defoe, Swift created a character that was exactly the author’s age and had him embark on adventure after adventure. At the end of the book, Gulliver is fifty-nine, “a Man late in Life,” the same age that Swift was when he completed the work.  The Travels can be seen as a journey through time as well as space. As Gulliver travels and shares his discoveries, he ages.  Gulliver survives it all, but staying home after it was over was the hardest part. He finds human beings, even his family, nothing but a bunch of Yahoos.

One might also think of Odysseus/Ulysses, who comes back to Ithaca after twenty years, slays the suitors, sets out to rule his domain and enjoy his family, only to feel the lure of one last adventure.

It little profits that an idle king,

By this still hearth, among these barren crags,

Match’d with an aged wife, I mete and dole

Unequal laws unto a savage race,

That hoard, and sleep, and feed, and know not me.

I cannot rest from travel: I will drink

Life to the lees… (from “Ulysses,” by Tennyson)

According to Tennyson, Ulysses goes to sea.  This is in accordance with Dante’s version of what happens to Ulysses; in Homer we get a prophecy that Ulysses will take a final land journey.  No matter where he goes; he is not content to stay at home in his old age.

Old age hath yet his honour and his toil;

Death closes all: but something ere the end,

Some work of noble note, may yet be done, . . .

I guess I am thinking about old age and adventures because at 75 and 73, my husband and I are headed for one more adventure – one that feels much more difficult than it should be.  We have decided to move closer to family; one last long-distance move – one more house to buy and one to sell.  We’ve done it several times, but it is so much harder now and I have often felt despair about whether we could pull it off.  In the middle of it all we got Covid for the first time, followed by pneumonia in my husband’s case.  And yet, we have plowed ahead.  But I do not have the energy or courage of Crusoe.  I am more than ready for some peace.  Soon.